Sunday, July 14, 2013

Day 2 of the Apocalypse! Jay Kristoff, Author of Stormdancer



Hello, my darlings! Are you quite ready for the end of the world? Today, The Noctural Library is proud to welcome Jay Kristoff, a gentleman brought up exclusively on Australian water, known for its magical properties. He grew up to become the brilliant and hilarious author of the Japanese steampunk fantasy novel STORMDANCER and its upcoming sequel KINSLAYER. Have you read them yet? If not, now is the time.

But first, here are the links to other Apocalypse! stops today:
Rainy Day Ramblings: PODs by Michelle Pickett
Love of Books: In the After by Demitria Lunetta
Buried in Books: Viral Nation by Shaunta Grimes

If you have your own Apocalypse! post to share, please leave us a link using the linky at the end of this post.


  

Top 5 Alternative-Apocalypses 

So the zombie thing has been done, dare I say, to death. When the tropes of your horror apocalypse have been so thoroughly absorbed by the mainstream as to provoke the release of a RomCom and a blockbuster starring Brad “Damn, I really need a haircut” Pitt in the same six months, can school lunchboxes and Zombie: The Musical be far behind?

…Actually, there's already a Zombie; The Musical. Sonofabitch. Ruin my joke, will you...

We don’t even need to step into the realms of fantasy to find our end of the world – we have a planet full of terrifying beasties who will happily murder us and wear our skins as cheeky winter coats. So, in the interests of shuffling this apocalypse thing onto the next phase, I’ve put together a list of five critters I think would make banging antagonists in the next breakout apocalypse hit. Feel free to steal my ideas, just credit me in the acknowledgements. And maybe buy me an island in the Pacific. A little one. I’m not greedy.

5. Sharks. You should be aware the only thing preventing you being ripped into ribbons by row upon row of serrated teeth whilst staring into the dead black eyes of the enormous carnage engine about to devour you is that you’re lucky enough to live out of the water. But the moment sharks figure out how to get around on land, you can be goddamn certain these hell-spawned teeth factories WILL savage all your favourite body parts and omnom them down like a drunken clubgoer scrums felafel at 3am.

Sharks will eat literally anything – tin cans, rubber tyres and McDonalds Chicken McNuggets have all been found in the bellies of captured specimens. Sharks are such terrifying murder machines, they even kill other wounded sharks. A tiny drop of blood is all that’s required to send them into frenzy. Imagine rolling up to the office on a Monday morning with a small shaving cut expecting to discuss last night’s television only to be savagely devoured by your co-workers.

“So that Theon Greyjoy, huh? What an OHMYFUCKINGGOOOOOD”

4. Asian Predatory Wasps. A single one of these sadistic bastards can destroy an entire colony of honey bees. Essentially, the APW will roll up to a hive, hang around the front door smoking ice and listening to Skrillex until a guard pokes its head out to see what all the wubbing is about. Then the APW brutally murders it.

When Jane doesn’t come back from her rounds (all guard bees are ladies) and the next guard gets sent out to see where she is with the goddamn coffees, the APW murders her too. And dismembers her. Going so far as to decorate the front of the hive with her remainder. And when all the stupid, stupid guards are dead, the wasp strolls into the hive, murders anything else who gives it lip and then EATS ALL THE BABY BEES.

THESE WASPS EAT BABIES, YO.

3. Wolverines. <insert gag about XMEN ORIGINS:WOLVERINE being so bad it could bring about the end of the world here>

Wolverines have the dubious honor of being the largest member of the weasel family, and have zero fucking sense of humor about it. They can resist sub-zero temperatures and eat just about anything, up to and including full grown Cariboo Moose. They think very little of smacking the shit out of wolves, cougars and POLAR BEARS, and if caught in a snare, will GNAW THEIR OWN LEGS OFF RATHER THAN BE CAPTURED. One particularly furious Wolverine in Glacier National Park was renowned for breaking INTO traps set by scientists for the sole purpose of doing bloody murder upon his male rivals trapped therein.

That’s correct, these dudes will break INTO jail just to get shiv-happy on your wannabe ass.

WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?

2. Tarantula Hawks. Yes, I realise this is my second wasp on the list. They freak me out, okay?

So, in the matchup of spider versus wasp, most sensible people would be backing the spider. But one particular wasp known as a Tarantula Hawk COULD NOT GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT WHAT IS SENSIBLE. These things hunt down tarantulas (you know, those huge terrifying spiders that eat birds), paralyse them with their stingers, and then LAY EGGS INSIDE THEM.

You read that right. These things are literally right out of ALIENS. I can picture a squad of tarantulas moving through an abandoned tarantula colony wondering where all the colonists are and then they find one stuck in the walls and he’s all “K-k-kill muh-meeee” and the taratulas are like “Hang on buddy, we’re gonna get you out” and he’s all “Guhh-gg-gg-guuuhhAARRGGUUGG” and this fucking baby tarantula hawk bursts out his abdomen and she’s all “sup, bitches” and Ripley is like “noooooooooooooo”.

GAME OVER, MAN.


1. Honey Badgers. The Honey Badger is listed in the Guinness book of World Records as the most fearless animal on the planet. I dunno what they’re so pissed off about, but they entire species is pissed off ALL THE TIME. They eat snakes, crocodiles, eagles, republicans . . . pretty much anything that can't say “SWEET MERCIFUL JESUS, IT'S A HONEY BADGER” and run away screaming. Literally, the only thing stopping these dirty little bastards breaking into all our houses and eating us while we sleep is the fucks they don't give.

Don't believe me? Observe this video of a couple of Honey badgers ruining the grills of SIX LIONS. You will notice around the 2:15 mark, when the Honey Badger has walloped the shit out of everything that looked at it cock-eyed and has ample opportunity to get away, it sticks around for a couple more rounds just to make sure the lions knew WHO THEY WERE FUCKING WITH.

HONEY BADGER APOCALYPSE: Coming to a theatre near you in 2014.


Jay Kristoff is a Perth-born, Melbourne-based author. His first trilogy, THE LOTUS WAR, was purchased in the three-way auction by US publishing houses in 2011. He is as surprised about it as you are. The first installment, STORMDANCER, was published in September 2012 in the US, UK and Australia. 


Jay is 6'7, has approximately 13870 days to live and does not believe in happy endings.


a Rafflecopter giveaway




38 comments:

  1. Love these covers and cannot wait to read them! I could deal with sharks I think (just not go in the water or punch them in the nose, right?). Wolverines...are kinda cute in a vicious, scary way. Honeybadger would kill me in my sleep, but it's okay because I know he just doesn't give a sh*t. But those wasps? Oh. Hell. No. Just shoot me now. ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH

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  2. LOL Jay being Jay as always! I really love his post and they're mostly hilarious. Still you never know any of these 5 is possible. Great post. Thanks for the giveaway Maja :)

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  3. I entered your Day 2 of the Apocalypse Giveaway.
    It would be great to win a copy of Stormdancer By Jay Kristoff.
    I haven't read any of Jay Kristoff's books
    but i enjoy reading and discovering new authors.
    Thank you for having this giveaway!!!!!!!

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  4. I haven't read any books written by Mr. Jay yet but I'll read his books some other time after our prelims test.

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  5. Hilarious post, Jay. You just never fail to make my day. The sharks reminded me of Sharknado which is so awful, I think I fried at least a dozen brain cells while watching it. I'm more scared of cockroaches than wasps and if a cockroach grow the size of bull dogs, I'd die even before the apocalypse begin.

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  6. I love the cover. I heard so many great things about Stormdancer. Unfortunately havent read it yet ;/

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  7. Oh my gosh I am totally freaked out after reading this post! But I agree with you Jay someone needs to introduce these wonderful critters into books already! I'm not going to enter this giveaway Maja as I already have a gorgeous copy, but thank you for the chance ! :)

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  8. I love Jay's posts because he's always absolutely hilarious! I hope he writes a satire in the near future - it would be brilliant! Anyway, great guest post and thanks for sharing!(:

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  9. This post is a bloody riot!! Jay is seriously one of my new favorite authors. I just LOVE this book. I even listened to the audio. Great stuff!! Cannot wait to start Kinslayer :D

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  10. SHARKS! Yes! They would definitely make amazing antagonists - just look at how epic they were in the Sharknado movie that took the world by storm last Thursday. EPIC I TELL YOU! And that picture of the wolverine? *shudders* I would run screaming for sure. And they can bring down a moose? Holy shit. This is such a fun (and terrifying) post:)

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  11. I cannot believe how evil these animals are I never what to get near one at all thanks for informing the grille details of such evil animals.

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  12. Are these new covers? They are gorgeous!

    I saw Jaws when I was a teenager and I've never really recovered from the experience.

    Since I live in FL I'm going to go with a Fire Ant apocalypse. They're tiny but they hurt like &!*% when they bite and if there were enough of them we'd be doomed!

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  13. I love Honey Badgers!!! They don't care so they can be scary. I mean they eat stung by a bunch of bees for honey and other crazy things.

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  14. Okay seriously creepy critters!
    I have the first book in this series and I know Heidi loves it so I really should give it a try.
    Loved the guest post!

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  15. This post rocks! Jay is just made of awesome. Seriously.. sharks and the honey badger and thanks for telling about those wasps now I will have nightmares. Someone made a bad horror movie and put it on youtube the other day. Sharks and tornadoes... yes you heard me. Anyway, love this author, love his books I can't wait to read Kinslayer!

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  16. I was laughing while reading it! He is so funny :)
    I haven't read Stormdancer yet but I've heard great things about it. Thank you for the international giveaway!

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  17. ^^ i think ilona andrews made a really believable honey badger shifter now ^^ i can understand better why even curran fears his wrath.

    i really want to read this series so thank you for this opportunity to win book1

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  18. I thought the entire post was well informative and I laughed all throughout it! I knew about sharks but everything else on the list i hadn't realized they were so dangerous! Thanks for sharing!

    Thanks for the awesome giveaway!

    My email: mrsjtucker2012[at]gmail[dot]com

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  19. Ahaha... what a great post! Sharknado is already upon us...

    I won the first book awhile back but haven't read it yet. I know, I know ...

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  20. Holy crap, this is THE most hilarious post I've ever read, I totally laughed my arse off!!! Can't wait to read this book - plus I kind of have a thing for Aussies!

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  21. I'd really really really love to read this, and that is one awesome yet freaky list of animals.

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  22. I love this post! Jay Kristoff always has the funniest blog posts and this post is one of the most entertaining I've read. Dear God don't let sharks ever walk the planet, honey badgers are bad enough!! Thanks Jay for that great post.

    Heather

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  23. Heh, this guy is funny and a very clever writer. Very entertaining post! And I'm definitely impressed with his list of zombie apocalypse substitutes! Heh, it's funny that the honey badger is like the badass of the badasses. Ain't no messing with the honey badger!

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  24. Jeezus! I didn't know the apocalypse could happen with wasps and sharks or anything with teeth taking over ! If this post is any idea to what happens in the mind of Jay Kristoff , I am buying these books as soon as I can because Jay you are seriously hilarious !
    Also like its not already said , the book covers are gorgeous !

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  25. Read the sample for Stormdancer and loved it. Gotta stop being lazy and grab a full copy. Raving reviews are everywhere.

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  26. Holy cow! How did I not know about honey badgers?! Those little badasses. Also, I'm pretty sure I will now have nightmares featuring landlubbing sharks, wolverines, and wasps crawling out of tarantulas. *Shudder* Hilarious post. :)

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  27. Sorry, you are wrong... spider is #1! I no longer have a phobia... it is a genuine fear after I got bitten this year. #1! I tell ya!

    Btw, loved Stormdancer and I'm so looking forward to Kinslayer

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  28. Lol, this post is hilarious. And now I'm off to see the video about honey badgers :)

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  29. Holy craperoni, that post just made my day! Hilarious!

    I can't wait for Kinslayer!!!

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  30. Love this book since day 1 although I haven't own any of them but I love to have. The Covers are amazing especially the US version. I love the post it's imaginative.

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  31. I could not possibly love Kristoff more! He seems to make me laugh harder each time he does a guest post. I agree with Keertana, he needs to write comedy! Libba Bray does whatever genre she effing feels like each time she writes a book, I hope Jay will follow suit (though not until he finishes The Lotus War series!!) Love this post! HONEYBADGER FOREVER

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  32. Sounds interesting...I haven't read anything by Jay and look forward to doing so.
    Thanks :-)
    Lori

    lorih824 at yahoo dot com

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  33. haha these are too funny! I can totally see all of these happening (although I probably wouldn't want to actually *watch* any of these films/read any of these books because having a real live animal take on an apocalyptic role would freak me out). Thanks for the giveaway!

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  34. I've heard all the raves about Stormdancer and I'd love to read it! Thanks!

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  35. They sound amazing, definitely adding them to my TBR list

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  36. Stormdancer sounds interesting. Definitely gonna add it. Thanks for the giveaway!

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  37. Love the book covers. I hope I win a copy! :)

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  38. I've been trying to win this book for awhile!! I'm so looking forward to reading this one too!! You have definitely picked some AWESOME new reads for me!! Thank you!!!

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